I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
