i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
