My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
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So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
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Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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