the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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