Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
