I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
