can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
