when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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