i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Randomize
