Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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