So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
