the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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