I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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