Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
