so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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