My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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