I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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