John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
