i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
This is my gift to your gina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
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