Jerry, you need to find god
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
