i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
