the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
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