ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
