well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
