Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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