dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My ass is underappreciated
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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