I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
