He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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