I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Are my feet made of real feet?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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