Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
