The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
