i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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