Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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