Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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