I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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