I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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