Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
