it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
