Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
