Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Boobs are out for the taking
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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