I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I will pee on everything he values.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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