Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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