conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
