Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
This toilet bowl is my home.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
