im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
