I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
