it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
