Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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