I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
