Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
