ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Sober January is a disaster.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
