It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Randomize
