Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
