I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
