Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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